* cassandra * (pathetik_x) wrote,
* cassandra *

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my day was the same as any of my other days. but then i came home, and was listening to the song 'perfect by simple plan' and it brought me to tears. i feel like i've let my parents down. more or less my dad. i can't leave the house for a weekend without him talking to me about how he couldn't stand to lose me and how he hopes im making the right desicions with the right 'crowd'. in fact i *kno* i've let him down but he doesn't know that. i try and reassure him that i know first hand what it's like to lose someone to an overdose. he says if i ever do something that all i need to do is talk to him bc he'd do anything he could to help me with whatever and i kno he would but i also know how much it would hurt him. i could never bring myself to let him kno bc it wouldn't only hurt him. it always brings him to tears and i kno that hes just afraid and im usually in tears as well. it hurts so much.

and everytime i cry everthing comes down. i start thinking about my cousin who i lost soon to be 10 months ago to a drug overdose. but he wasn't only my cousin he was my best friend. and no one could understand. he was only 19 and the person who knew everything about me. a part of me has been missing since and as the days go by it gets nothing but harder. and then i think if im ever even gonna see him again. i believe in God but it's not always so reassuring. i'd do anything to have one last hug i didn't even get to say goodbye. and everytime i think about it, it feels like someones ripping me apart. literally. the first few months after his death i can say i was in denial. i couldn't cry for him. his last few months as well were so hard. he was on plenty of anti depressants and getting switched from so many to another. he use to call me everynight crying to me about how hard things were. he was in a fight with my whole family at the time of his death as well. i was the only one on his side. i was the only one who stood by him. i fought so many ppl in my family for his sake and i loved him til his death and still do, if not more. one night i was at jens dads' house in benton. he called me bawling, he slit his throat, wrists, and shot up heroin 7 times. the nights he called he'd tell me how he never thought about suicide so much as he did now. his medication wasn't working and he had no direction in life. after his death i couldn't cry for him. i knew he wasn't doing good here. and i hated to see him in pain. i thought now hes in a better place and all that. but things aren't any easier for me. and im trying not to be selfish but :'( i can't take it anymore. my parents don't understand. christmas, his birthday, no one said one word about it. christmas day i went up in my room and cryed. i could hear my parents downstairs critizing me. i can't even put it in words. i could go on and on with the memories he left me with. and the hardest part is no one can kno what im feeling, no one can understand. theres things i won't even tell my family bc they don't even know. that was my everything and im living without him. he was my sanity, nothing less. i don't kno how im getting by but it's a miracle. when i think about it all i wanna do is curl up and die. feels like im being torn apart from the inside. i just wanna be with him. i don't want that one last hug anymore. i want him back. i want him to live his life, he had so much left. and it just hurts i have no other way of putting it.

sitting in my room when i came home, just crying and everything i just felt like slicing my wrists cause i just didn't care. my thoughts were blurry and i couldn't comprhend anything. then i was talking to rob and things aren't going well with him at all. it's all so fucked up. im feeling sick to my stomach. i don't kno if its from crying or not. i just wanna throw up. i can't take this life any longer..
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